I'm not sure what is going on with our serene electronic navigatrix. She is normally quite reliable but of late she has begun to pepper her instructions with random failures. I would not think much of it if not for the fact that some things seem suspicious.
It started back in Phoenix and has grown steadily worse. On my way to BSF one night she told me to turn left, make an immediate U-turn then turn left again at the same intersection when I could have killed the same bird by simply proceeding through the light. According to dear Siri, two wrong turns don't make a right, but they do make a straight and can help you locate yet another Del Taco. Oh, joy.
Perhaps I should not be hasty to judge. Maybe she suggested that immediate left turn into the Oregon wilderness where no actual road existed because she thought I wanted to meet Sasquatch. Or maybe she changed her mind about our exit in the middle of nowhere outside Reno because she knows how much I enjoy the desert.
Or maybe she doesn't like my singing. Last month on my drive to Sacramento she interrupted my happy jam, cutting in on the likes of C&C Music Factory and Sting. She thought it necessary to silence Matt Hires so she could warn me I did not need to turn for a really long time.
MH: "Honey, let me sing you a song, and listen to my words as they --"
Siri: "Continue along this road for 167 more miles."
Me: "Dang it, Siri!"
Now, bear in mind, I really cannot sing and this is why I love rap. Remember Tone Loc? Well, you could call me Tone Def. Maybe that's why she cut me off. Be glad you were not in the car when "Rolling in the Deep" came on. ("You're gonna wish you - never had heard me -- belting out this song -- way, way off key!") It wasn't pretty, but it kept me wide awake through millions of miles of Oregon, or based on the number of logging trucks, it could just have easily been Panem District 7. Maybe the Capitol was jamming Siri's GPS signal. How else do you explain her sudden loss of all direction and resulting outburst of rapid-fire commands.
"Turn left onto Cottonwood Road. Take Exit 314. Make a U-turn NOW. Prepare to be assimilated."
But by far the creepiest thing Siri has done is to execute an uninitiated voice change. One day she was channeling Sigourney Weaver, the next day she sounded like she was taking testosterone supplements. We were all a bit weirded out by this, then two days later Sigourney returned. What? Then I found out it wasn't even Siri at all. Kevin had been using a different navigation app.
That might have put her over the edge. I'm fairly convinced she has a crush on my man and she wants me and all other threatening apps out of the picture. Why else does she give him accurate, reliable advice 99.98% of the time but me she sends randomly careering off into the Pacific Northwest forests or directly to Canada. And when Canada fails she directs me back to Forks to die at the hands of Sasquatch, vampires and/or crazed Twilight fans.
Maybe I should not be too harsh on her. She hasn't ever gotten us hopelessly lost. Shes's fairly adept at locating a Whole Foods Market. She got me from Kelseyville, California clear to Portland and even pegged my ETA, adjusting patiently when I pulled over several times for random photo opportunities. And when I needed a Taco Bell and then later something other than Taco Bell, she was there for me. But there was that day back in Colorado Springs when I asked for directions to the closest burger joint and she took us to the hood. I could assume the best and decide she wanted me to know where the affordable housing is in the Springs.
Yeah, I'm gonna go with that. I should probably avoid making her mad, since she also functions as my bedside alarm clock.